An Open Letter

Dear Jerkasses,

Please stop vandalizing election signs.

Look, I realize that applying naughty words and drawings to election signage is a time-honoured tradition for knuckle-draggers like yourselves.

Look, I realize that you may be at that strange age wherein you have learned to read political literature but have not yet learned to think critically about it and as a result you (a) falsely tout yourself as an intellectual to any naive young woman who has consumed enough jello shots to listen to your fallacy-laden schtick, (b) chronically misquote everybody from Marx to Limbaugh, and (c) figure that kicking down some coroplast signage at 3 a.m. is a better form of political protest than organizing, volunteering or, uh, voting.

Look, I realize that election campaigns are a cherised, unique and infrequent spray-painting opportunity that only comes around every four years; a sort of Vandalism Olympics, if you will.

Look, I realize that peer pressure is leading you to (a) establish your alpha-male status by being the first in your pack to vandalize a sign or (b) establish submissive membership in a pack by joining in when the alpha-males begin vandalizing signs.

Look, I realize that William Forrestall, Greg Byrne and Allison Brewer would look better with soulpatches.

But please stop vandalizing election signs.

Sincerely,
Alvy