Simultaneous Grahamslation

As a service to my every-growing readership (it would now take two phonebooths to house the lot you), I am going to provide translation of Shawn Graham's comments in Shawn Berry's article in today's Daily Gleaner (Pg. A3, for you citation aficionados).

Graham says, "I want to allay all concerns and fears that there's going to be a strong push on decentralization because that is not our agenda".

It means: I floated that trial balloon last week about moving some civil service jobs to Saint John, but then I realized that in order for Greg Byrne and Anne Bertrand to defeat Allison Brewer and Brad Green, respectively, I must not piss off the many civil servants who live on the south side of Fredericton.

Graham says, "Our agenda is to reinvigorate, restore the pride of being a civil servant, and give the tools to the civil service so that we can be the model for the rest of the country".

It means: My tutor says that I am now constructing sentencing at a seventh grade level. Also, I have been instructed by my pollsters to take a small step to the left to ensure the voters that I am not averse to increasing the size of the civil service.

Graham says, "Where I have talked about Saint John becoming the energy hub for the province, I also feel that Fredericton is poised to become the education hub in our three pillars that we're going to be building upon in the upcoming campaign".

It means: You see, with Saint John being the hub for energy, the logistics of having the Irvings dicate energy policy will be much simpler; they will literally be able to walk down the street and into the government office and give us the thumbs up or thumbs down, rather than having to go through the trouble of sending faxes to Fredericton. Furthermore, by saying that Fredericton will be made the educational hub, I can passify the concerns of Frederictonians by re-iterating what is already the case and feigning that it is some new initiative.

Graham says, "I find that when you micro-manage, often you get bogged down in the details of running government from day to day and you lose sight of the bigger goals".

It means: I'm only guessing, of course, because I have never run a government.

Graham says, "We'll put our province on the road again to self-sufficiency by turning New Brunswick into a leader in energy conservation and generation, by going from worst to first in education and by making job creation a priority".

It means: There you go. There is my grand trifurcated message for this campaign. I am completely dedicated to working on energy conservation and generation, as long I can do it with big short-sighted supply-side grants rather than by actually giving people the resources to retro-fit their homes in order to make them more efficient and thus lower their energy costs. I am completely dedicated to working on education and job creation as long as I can do it with more crippling-debt-creating loans masquerading as funding to students, rather than by actually providing them with the resources to go to university, community college or trade school to educate themselves and prepare themselves for the job market. Also, note the subliminal Willie Nelson reference at the beginning of my quote - my handlers tell me that this will play well in Charlotte County.

Graham says, "It's an idea we're putting on the table today, but it's not a commitment. It's imperative that we search out new ideas".

It means: We are waiting, as always, to see the NDP platform before we finalize the details of our campaign promises. It worked wonderfully in 2003, as we were able to steal public auto insurance from the NDP, claim it as our own, and then renege on it after the election. The NDP has great ideas that many, if not most, New Brunswickers agree with, but lacks the cash resources of our political machinery. By stealing their ideas, we can use our huge advertising budget to steal their voters as well.

Graham says, "The task is great, but I believe that it can be done. We will do it".

It means: Nothing whatsoever.

Again, dear readers, rest assured that this is not, as Jon Stewart would say, partisan hackery. Lordslation and Brewerslation will be forthcoming at later dates.